Faith over Fear

Since my last post, I have flown 3000 miles across the US to see my son. He had no idea I was coming, but I still went to try to get his attention, to try to get him to talk to me and to show and tell him how much he means to me and I love him. Drastic, and a bit dramatic? Probably, but at the time I decided to take this trip, it had been about 4 months since I had heard from him and it was affecting my entire life in a negative way, I had to do something. So, what happened? Well a few things. I saw him for 1 hour, before I headed back to the airport. He wouldn't see me sooner.
I learned a lot about myslef, it opened up my eyes to a lot of things and now...I am back home and have had some time to come to the conclusion that I need to stop chasing down my kids. They are adults. I cannot control them and they cannot control me. My son actually told me my blog was embarrassing and I needed to stop playing the victim. Wow. Ok... what did I say? I told him he didn't need to read it if it embarrassed him so much. These are my thoughts, experiences and words. This blog, it helps me to make sense of things.
Since that trip, some things have changed. My son and I are talking a bit more regularly now. It wasn't because I went to see him, thats for sure. That trip in no way was the reason for this. I am not sure what it was. It could have been because he lost a freind, recently, to an overdose/adverse reaction to drugs, in that awful moment of his life he reached out to me, and I was there for him. Nothing will get in the way of me being there for him. I hope he realizes that.
It is an awful thing to lose friends at such a young age. We all go through it at one time or another and unfortunately, he had to at 19. I've been working towards not holding on so tightly. I give a lot up to God, I pray and I leave my kids in His hands. He loves them, they are His children first. I'ts terrifying to let go, but I have had to learn to do that for both my kids at different ages. It still leaves me with a large lump in my throat and a stomach ache, but that is only because I am still working on my faith.
Luke 17:6 He replied "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 'Move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" Faith over Fear... it is something that I strive for each day. My faith must overtake the fear I have of losing my children.

Time heals the wounds of the broken hearted

I question this every day. Does time really heal wounds, or does it make them too hard to heal?

My blog started as a way to deal with the pain and suffering I endured as my daughter was alienated from me, over 10 years went by before I had a chance to talk to her again. She was a 12 yr old girl when this started. Years went by with no communication at all. Finally, when she was 22, we started to talk again and now we are trying to figure out how we work. For me it wasn't a matter of learning where she fit in, because a child never leaves your heart, the piece that was missing, fit right back where she was meant to be. It was more about learning who she was now, and how, and why the time apart impacted us and the relationship that could have been. It has not been an easy reunification, the challenges that are present today are not only between her and I, they are with me, and the effect it is now having on my son and my relationship with him.

I never dreamed that me establishing a new relationship with my daughter, would lead to the one with my son, being strained. I simply cannot register this. I know why it is happening, but I cannot fathom why it has to be this way.

My son feels slighted, disrespected, he has told me I am not acknowledging his boundaries, and in a few cases he is right about that, I have acknowledged that and apologized for those betrayals. But still, he is not here, he does not want to talk to me yet, he needs more time. I am trying to put my feelings aside right now, trying to FULLY understand his so that my hurt feelings do not overpower his hurt and confusion. I know his love for me is what pushes him to warn me about my daughter so that I will not be hurt again.

What is not understood is the position I am in here. I have dreamed of the day my daughter and I would reunite, but never ever did I dream it would be at the cost of my relationship with my son.

I know how he feels about her, he feels as if she has betrayed him and his dad and their little brother. My daughter is no longer in contact with them, which is very hurtful to all. I know this because I have lived this. I have told her that the longer this conflict an estrangement lasts the longer it will take to heal. I have encouraged her to reach out to her dad and brothers because I know the love she has for them. My kids, they are adults and are both doing what is safe for them right now. I've learned I need to let go and let them feel and do what is best for them.

It's hard, so hard. Harder than I could ever imagine. I guess this goes to show that life never turns out how you expect it to.
So if time is what heals the wounds of the brokenhearted, I guess my question is how much time? God only knows.

Family Trauma Pathology..... excuse me what??

I read the most interesting post today on Facebook. The topic was Family Trauma Pathology, essentially what it said was this: "Families are the rippling of complex trauma from one generation to the next"
The Alienating Parent or Allied Parent has unresolved childhood trauma, which transfers to the child by their parenting practices.

Let's face it, parenting is not easy and most of us mimick our own parents when it comes to parenting our own children. While I know this is true in a lot of cases, I also now know, after years of my children being in therapy, that most of us can get by with parenting 101, but when faced with things such as parental alienation (PA), we absolutely do not know what the hell we are doing. I was told by my daughter's therapist, that dealing with my 13-year-olds feelings about me is complex...yeah, ya think? I was in shock, blindsided and in fear of losing my daughter, and all I hear is my skills as a parent are not sufficient in this case. Needless to say, this particular therapist, did not do me any favors. This "professional" did not believe or know that this was a case of parental alienation? If she had why would she blame my parenting?

There are so many sources and groups and a wealth of information on this topic today, but where was all of this information 12 years ago, when I really needed it? I went through stages, that ranged anywhere from panic to grief and eventually, loss. I had no idea what PA was, nor had any professional I spoke with, including a reunification therapist we were assigned to, this was not something that I'd ever heard of or been told about. A mediator in the Santa Clara Family Court system once told me, I should just give up legal custody of my daughter since I didn't have physical custody of her anyway. WHAT? Are you kidding me?
YES... her father actually tried to get me to give up my parental rights Legal and Physical. I said "HELL NO" and fought to keep legal custody. Even though that didn't change anything, I wanted to prove to my daughter, someday, that I fought like hell for her. Today I can tell her that story and for that, I am so grateful.

It's my hope that even one person out there reading this or going through this pain, can continue to get educated on PA and learn about why it happens and that your pain not go unnoticed. Keep fighting!

#2020Vision- Parental Alienation Awareness is my Niche

I last posted in Feb 2019, It was a letter I got from my daughter, after a little over a year, since we had reconciled, in 10 years.

I later learned, in May of 2019, that the letter was forced. I saw a text thread from my daughters' stepmother (calling her that, is being nice) that she better get writing me that letter, or she would expose my daughter. I am not sure what she thinks she has on Alyssa, that would warrant her to write me the letter I shared in my previous post, but whatever it was, Alyssa was scared enough to go through with it and send to me, and copy her dad and stepmom.

It broke my heart, again, but it was also very strange. I poured over the letter a million times and I responded to tell her no matter what I would always be her mom and would help her again if she needed it. The letter was very familiar, I'd seen it hundreds of times before in the form of emails from the stepmom and Alyssa. These emails/letters were all very strategically crafted by the SM (Standing for stepmom and also the initials of the person who I am referring to) for years SM brainwashed and manipulated my daughter into thinking I was a terrible person and mother. It's now been 8 months since I have reconciled, yet again, with my daughter. I know all of the horrible things she has gone through. I have said my piece to SM, and have tried to help my daughter put the pieces of her life back together.

The worst thing about this is SM doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I cannot stress how much this used to bother me, but now I know what kind of person I was dealing with and what my kids had to endure for so many years. SM has now moved on and out of the state, ran away to a place where people don't know her. I just pray no one has to go through what my kids and I had to with her, ever again. She is dangerous and evil.

I am so glad both my kids are adults now. I no longer have to deal with that, but I do have to deal with helping my daughter gain control of her life. For that I am so grateful, I knew that is exactly what was going to have to happen, and it is, slowly but surely. My daughter is a lot like me, she looks like me, we have so many things in common, and the best thing about that is I know she has my strength, she is funny, smart and will be ok after all. She endured so much but is now coming out the other end of that, despite what she has been told about herself. My only hope is that she loves herself, so she can move forward and love those around her who love her and believe in her.

Hindsight is 2020, I think that is what the saying is. Had I known what divorcing my ex-husband and what that journey would put me through and where it would lead me, I would have said "no thank you" But here I am, clear out on the other side, I am grateful for a few things. The ability to trust my gut when it comes to people, I have learned that all people are not who they say they are, so beware, listen to your gut and don't be so trusting.
I have relationships with both of my adult children that I cherish, they are built on honesty, trust, and love of the purest kind. There is no one who can take that away, ever again. I want to help others who are going through or have gone through the same thing. I want to be someone who can use what I have learned to help others.

#2020Vision

Letter from my daughter. Where do I go from here?

Alyssa
Sat, Feb 23, 9:30 PM (4 days ago)


Hi..

I wanted to send you this email to get the truth out there and explain everything that has happened and why. I'm not sure exactly where to start but I am going to try to make this as clear and concise as possible.

As you know and everyone else I'm related too.. I am liar. From lying about stupid 6th grade science projects getting stolen from my locker to lying about relationships, I've done it all. It could be about nothing that matters to anyone, or it could be something that is really serious and effect everyone's lives.

I am not going to go in to how you treated me as a kid and how I felt... Ive written you letters, you have met with my counselors (or maybe), and we have had conversations on the phone. I was hurt by you, which led me to go through many years feeling confused and abondoned. This email's purpose isn't to talk about what you did to me, but to clear up any lies I have told to you in the past about my life, my current life, and my family.

First: Not once did Dad or Stephynie, or any counselor I ever had discourage me to not have a relationship with you. Multiple times I was given love and support and advice about how to go about reconnecting with you. But I chose not too, because I didn't want that. I didn't want what we had and I was hurt how you handled our "reconnection" therapy when I was in 8th grade. I chose to block you on social media. I chose to change my number and block everyone. I chose that. No one else.

Second: You first reached out to me in January of last year. I decided to give you a chance to hear what you had to say. We talked but it wasn't really more than a surface conversation. I can't really remember why I responded. I was used to getting random messages here and there and being able to blow you off. But I was deep into this whole lie of a second life that I created at Davis.

I moved to Davis, senior year and for the first time life was somewhat on track. I had two jobs, I had an apartment and my classes were good. But then a couple months in I started to fall into the college scene that I did not belong in. I drank a lot, I met Jess, I continued to lie to Dad and Steph about who I was with what I was doing . I would go home on the weekends not being an active family member and putting them through hell. The person I created to get attention and have fake friends quickly arose. I chose to lie about my family. That my dad still had cancer, that my step mom was crazy and I wasn't able to go home. People thought I didn't have a family and it was a lie to cover the lie that I was the awful one to my family, You don't want to tell your "friends" you can't go home because youre a liar. Because you are a bad role model to your younger brother. So I lied to cover it up. I distracted myself with boys and relationships that I thought was love. When I had the love in front of me the entire time. I joined an organization where people are going through hard shit in life and I created fake stuff to fit in better with them. you would think someone who has been lied to and have lied their entire life would figure out that they are an awful liar and it just always spins out of control. Yet I didn't and it escalated to the point of telling people my dad died, or friends got in accidents to either get out of something or to just try to end it. I had to start cutting people out, or was cut out because I wasn't a good friend and I wasn't me. Instead of fixing my problems from my first life, I created a second life to cover up what i fucked up in the first one.

I reached out to you in the first place because I ultimately wanted to get back at you. I don't like using the word hate, but I hated you for how you belittled me. How you told me I couldn't feel what I felt. How Stephynie and dad brainwashed me. So ya I was mad. I wanted to do what you did to me. Give you a hope in a relationship and then vanish...I wanted a mom. I wanted a life to explain to people that wasn't so hard to explain. I wanted to introduce people to my mom and my step mom. But I couldn't. Stephynie was my mom. She was there for me when I was sick, when I was brokem hearted, when I was depressed, when i was abondoned, and even when I lied, she was still on my side. She adopted me when I was 18. Because I felt closer to her, and even though our relationship is broken right now and Ive hurt her, she is still the closest person I probably have in my life. She went throught things I went through.. and always gave me the benefit of the doubt, even when no one believed me.

When I started this whole process with you I thought it wouldn't take much. Give you a couple calls here and there, use you if I needed help financially and call it a day. But what ive realized is that really all we are capable of with each other. We were out of each others life for so long that we don't know each other. I cant get emotionally deep with you, and vise versa. I had a hard time recognizing your voice at first because we never talked. I lied to you about steph, about dad and them being part of the reason why I struggled so much over summer. When they wanted me back, they wanted to help and I pushed everyone away. I used you to stay afloat for a little bit more. But I have officially sunken..

That was all over the place but to sum it all up I have lied to every single person that has come into my life in the past 2 years, more so this past year. I lied for attention, I lied to get a boyfriend, I lied to get friends, I lied to make up excuses to my friends why i was cutting them out. I lied to people about my relationship with my family members, the job I didn't have, the money I don't have. I lied why I didn't go home for the holidays. Lied about my mental health. And my lies ultimately created the fucked up psychosis and depression I have today. Because nothing is true and authentic in my life. I am disconnected everyday and walk through motions of this life I created.

So here I am putting it all out on the table. It may not have made sense but Im a liar. I used you when I didn't have too.. So I am sorry. Im sorry for what I did to you, but more to everyone else. I have a loving and supporting family and I used them too. I can't do this to myself anymore. Im sorry to you all for not being that proud daughter parents can talk about. Im sorry for tearing both families apart, and causing distress among everyone.I'm asking for help and for the first time somewhat proud of myself for finding a doctor who wants to help me. Because Im not sure where Alyssa went either. or why i chose this life. Because I deserve alot more, and you guys do too.

I can only imagine

"I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk, by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When you face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine"

-Mercy Me


I love this song, the lyrics speak about what we will do when we come face to face with Jesus. Will we dance? will we fall to our knees? Will we sing? Will we stand in awe? All of the above seem appropriate.

It also brings me to wonder about what it will be like when I reunite with my daughter. Will I dance? Will I fall to my knees? Will I sing? Will I stand in awe? Probably, all of the above and then some...
I can only imagine what reuniting with my daughter will be like. The unknown and my thoughts of "what if it never happens" makes me so anxious; but then I remember 1 Peter 1:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." and it puts me at ease.

I know when I come face to face with Jesus, there is no anxiety, just joy.

Lord, Thank you for your mercies each day. I know the anxiety and struggles we face daily are not too much for us to handle. I look forward to meeting you face to face, I can only imagine, it will be a glorious day, and all our troubles will be gone. I also look forward to reuniting with Alyssa. Thank you for the time I have had with my daughter, I trust your plans for us to be face to face again one day. Amen.

Huge Void

I woke up this morning and saw my daughter's face posted on a few IG posts my mom put up. I can feel my mom's pain, I know she misses her so much, we all do. This loss we've suffered runs deep, I immediately have one thought, "Alyssa will be angry when she sees it", she doesn't like when we post about her... but at this point, I just wonder "why will she be mad?" We're just coping, trying to do the best we can, while living with a huge void in our lives. We wonder if she remembers us? Still loves us? Thinks about us?

I don't know the answers to any of those questions I have. I hope one day we have the opportunity to find out.
Until then we remember her, share pictures of her face, talk about her, tell funny stories about her, until we can't bear to anymore, because we end up crying or just hurting, so we give it a break until we can bear to bring it up again.

I constantly have to remember what God says in Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Hope is a theme in my life. More and more I lean on my hope and faith in God, it's the only way any of us can get through this.
I thank you God for your plans for my life. I trust that they are good.

Romans 15:5 "Now may the God of endurance and comfort give you unity with one another in accordance with Christ Jesus"


Being Positive is not always an easy task. There are a lot of distractions in this life. Most of our distractions are from those we live this life with. People. The people in our lives can do an unlimited amount of things that can take us off course. I've often let what people said about me or acted affect me in a way that I was not always happy with.

In reality, we've got to focus on our attitude, when it comes to other people, we really have no control over their actions or attitude. If we're focused on treating others with respect and courtesy no matter what they say or do, it becomes easier to stay positive.




Have a blessed weekend!

Thank you She Speaks 2017

Today is the last day of She Speaks. I woke up tired, took me an hour to crawl out of bed after my alarm went off. Needless to say, I was in a rush to make it on-time for an 8:30 am start time.

“Lord, help me to get my butt in that seat on time” I said out loud.

I packed up, threw on a dress and some make up, looked at my hair and said, "welp...this is as good as it gets for today!"

I arrived @ 8:33am, worship had already started and I found my way to Table 9, where Aimee, my new friend, had a seat saved for me.

This God thing is exhausting! Let me explain what I mean by that. What I really mean is, the conference has me worn down, but not in a bad way. My mind has been swirling from day one, with all of the information I’ve been given, my brain is just trying to sort it out. The God thing, is the very best thing about this conference… BUT I am exhausted.

Today I have identified what the absolute reason was for being here, and it is not what I thought it was prior to getting here.

It’s not because I have a unique story to tell.
It’s not because some publisher is going to hear my story and say, “We want to hear more, here is a book deal!"
It’s not to grow my platform.
It’s not to gain followers on my blog.

Although; some of those things may very well happen, it’s not the over all result of my attendance @ SheSpeaks 2017.

Because I attended She Speaks 2017:

I am humbled.
I am changed.
I have let go.
I have forgiven.
I have been freed from what was holding me hostage. My anger.
My anger is gone, my sadness is still here, but now I look at it from a different perspective, I look at if from a God perspective and it gives me a joy and a freedom on a level I have never experienced. On a level that makes my heart beam with so much pride.

I am a daughter of God and I have never been so proud to be SO LOVED.

Thank you She Speaks 2017, Thank you to all of the exquisite women I have met in the last 3 days. Thank you for sharing your lives and stories with me. Thank you for praying for me, thank you for taking this step with me, I hope the result of you being here makes you feel exactly how I do. LOVED.

Your sister in Christ,

Renee

I speak

I did it. I signed up for the She Speaks conference



As I sit here listening to the prep calls, I am so relieved to hear that all the feelings I've been having, about being good enough, being prepared, being clear in my calling, are all normal. It's not about me, it's about God. What a concept!

Since signing up for the conference, 1000 emotions have flooded me. But when you put things into the GOD perspective and not the "me" perspective,things start to look different.

I am preparing and investing in my ministry, my calling. It feels weird to say that. But it is the truth. I have been called to do this. Write, share, & heal with others. Not alone.

Proverbs 31 ministries have been an integral part of my growth with God. I have a long way to go, I am broken, flawed and imperfect. But I know HE has my back in spite of all that.

I tell my husband "I have your back" and without a doubt, I do, no matter what. He may not always deserve it, but I still do. So why is it I have a hard time believing that I am worthy of that same support and love from God? I can never figure it out. But I am glad that, deep down, I know it, even when I don't feel deserving.

I can't wait to get there and come back with a praise report!

#ErasedMom

Its 2017, how is that even possible?

I am still in disbelief that it has been 9 years that I have been living in this nightmare.

May 2017, my first born will be 21. To date, there has been little, if no communication. By little I mean I try to get in a "hi" or send a text and email on special occasions, when I can muster up the nerve and I actually see her in person. But it's really like no communication. I never get a response and I never expect one but... I do hold out hope.

I saw her a week ago at my son's lacrosse game, she came to the game with her dad. I ended up leaving early, I was with Jon and we were just very emotional already, but being there and being completely dismissed was just too hard for us to handle that night. It's not a new thing, but each time it happens, the reality of it all drops on us like a ton of bricks. We blame ourselves and ask each other "was there anything we could have done differently?" the answer is YES, of course there are a million things that run through our mind. But the truth is we did the best we could.

I recently stumbled upon a movement called erasing family. It's a documentary that exposes this exact situation. Family Bond Obstruction. There is a name other than parental alienation for this issue. It's happening in thousands of families. They are hoping to help eliminate this epidemic created by the family court system.
If you'd like to learn more please visit and donate @ erasingfamily.org