Time heals the wounds of the broken hearted

I question this every day. Does time really heal wounds, or does it make them too hard to heal?

My blog started as a way to deal with the pain and suffering I endured as my daughter was alienated from me, over 10 years went by before I had a chance to talk to her again. She was a 12 yr old girl when this started. Years went by with no communication at all. Finally, when she was 22, we started to talk again and now we are trying to figure out how we work. For me it wasn't a matter of learning where she fit in, because a child never leaves your heart, the piece that was missing, fit right back where she was meant to be. It was more about learning who she was now, and how, and why the time apart impacted us and the relationship that could have been. It has not been an easy reunification, the challenges that are present today are not only between her and I, they are with me, and the effect it is now having on my son and my relationship with him.

I never dreamed that me establishing a new relationship with my daughter, would lead to the one with my son, being strained. I simply cannot register this. I know why it is happening, but I cannot fathom why it has to be this way.

My son feels slighted, disrespected, he has told me I am not acknowledging his boundaries, and in a few cases he is right about that, I have acknowledged that and apologized for those betrayals. But still, he is not here, he does not want to talk to me yet, he needs more time. I am trying to put my feelings aside right now, trying to FULLY understand his so that my hurt feelings do not overpower his hurt and confusion. I know his love for me is what pushes him to warn me about my daughter so that I will not be hurt again.

What is not understood is the position I am in here. I have dreamed of the day my daughter and I would reunite, but never ever did I dream it would be at the cost of my relationship with my son.

I know how he feels about her, he feels as if she has betrayed him and his dad and their little brother. My daughter is no longer in contact with them, which is very hurtful to all. I know this because I have lived this. I have told her that the longer this conflict an estrangement lasts the longer it will take to heal. I have encouraged her to reach out to her dad and brothers because I know the love she has for them. My kids, they are adults and are both doing what is safe for them right now. I've learned I need to let go and let them feel and do what is best for them.

It's hard, so hard. Harder than I could ever imagine. I guess this goes to show that life never turns out how you expect it to.
So if time is what heals the wounds of the brokenhearted, I guess my question is how much time? God only knows.

Family Trauma Pathology..... excuse me what??

I read the most interesting post today on Facebook. The topic was Family Trauma Pathology, essentially what it said was this: "Families are the rippling of complex trauma from one generation to the next"
The Alienating Parent or Allied Parent has unresolved childhood trauma, which transfers to the child by their parenting practices.

Let's face it, parenting is not easy and most of us mimick our own parents when it comes to parenting our own children. While I know this is true in a lot of cases, I also now know, after years of my children being in therapy, that most of us can get by with parenting 101, but when faced with things such as parental alienation (PA), we absolutely do not know what the hell we are doing. I was told by my daughter's therapist, that dealing with my 13-year-olds feelings about me is complex...yeah, ya think? I was in shock, blindsided and in fear of losing my daughter, and all I hear is my skills as a parent are not sufficient in this case. Needless to say, this particular therapist, did not do me any favors. This "professional" did not believe or know that this was a case of parental alienation? If she had why would she blame my parenting?

There are so many sources and groups and a wealth of information on this topic today, but where was all of this information 12 years ago, when I really needed it? I went through stages, that ranged anywhere from panic to grief and eventually, loss. I had no idea what PA was, nor had any professional I spoke with, including a reunification therapist we were assigned to, this was not something that I'd ever heard of or been told about. A mediator in the Santa Clara Family Court system once told me, I should just give up legal custody of my daughter since I didn't have physical custody of her anyway. WHAT? Are you kidding me?
YES... her father actually tried to get me to give up my parental rights Legal and Physical. I said "HELL NO" and fought to keep legal custody. Even though that didn't change anything, I wanted to prove to my daughter, someday, that I fought like hell for her. Today I can tell her that story and for that, I am so grateful.

It's my hope that even one person out there reading this or going through this pain, can continue to get educated on PA and learn about why it happens and that your pain not go unnoticed. Keep fighting!

#2020Vision- Parental Alienation Awareness is my Niche

I last posted in Feb 2019, It was a letter I got from my daughter, after a little over a year, since we had reconciled, in 10 years.

I later learned, in May of 2019, that the letter was forced. I saw a text thread from my daughters' stepmother (calling her that, is being nice) that she better get writing me that letter, or she would expose my daughter. I am not sure what she thinks she has on Alyssa, that would warrant her to write me the letter I shared in my previous post, but whatever it was, Alyssa was scared enough to go through with it and send to me, and copy her dad and stepmom.

It broke my heart, again, but it was also very strange. I poured over the letter a million times and I responded to tell her no matter what I would always be her mom and would help her again if she needed it. The letter was very familiar, I'd seen it hundreds of times before in the form of emails from the stepmom and Alyssa. These emails/letters were all very strategically crafted by the SM (Standing for stepmom and also the initials of the person who I am referring to) for years SM brainwashed and manipulated my daughter into thinking I was a terrible person and mother. It's now been 8 months since I have reconciled, yet again, with my daughter. I know all of the horrible things she has gone through. I have said my piece to SM, and have tried to help my daughter put the pieces of her life back together.

The worst thing about this is SM doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I cannot stress how much this used to bother me, but now I know what kind of person I was dealing with and what my kids had to endure for so many years. SM has now moved on and out of the state, ran away to a place where people don't know her. I just pray no one has to go through what my kids and I had to with her, ever again. She is dangerous and evil.

I am so glad both my kids are adults now. I no longer have to deal with that, but I do have to deal with helping my daughter gain control of her life. For that I am so grateful, I knew that is exactly what was going to have to happen, and it is, slowly but surely. My daughter is a lot like me, she looks like me, we have so many things in common, and the best thing about that is I know she has my strength, she is funny, smart and will be ok after all. She endured so much but is now coming out the other end of that, despite what she has been told about herself. My only hope is that she loves herself, so she can move forward and love those around her who love her and believe in her.

Hindsight is 2020, I think that is what the saying is. Had I known what divorcing my ex-husband and what that journey would put me through and where it would lead me, I would have said "no thank you" But here I am, clear out on the other side, I am grateful for a few things. The ability to trust my gut when it comes to people, I have learned that all people are not who they say they are, so beware, listen to your gut and don't be so trusting.
I have relationships with both of my adult children that I cherish, they are built on honesty, trust, and love of the purest kind. There is no one who can take that away, ever again. I want to help others who are going through or have gone through the same thing. I want to be someone who can use what I have learned to help others.

#2020Vision