May Day

May is a hard month for me. So far it's been brutal.
May is the month both of my kids celebrate their Birthday's, this year in particular has been rough.

Alyssa turned 18 on 5/20 and on 5/25 my baby boy will be 13! YIKES.

This year, I sent a text to my daughter for her birthday but got nothing in response. I didn't expect to, but I had hope.

HOPE- A word that means so many things to me. I feel as if I have always been hopeful in all situations I've been through in my life.

Hopeful at 22 when I got pregnant, that Kevin and I would work our relationship out to be there for our daughter
Hopeful at 23 when I continued to go to college part time so that I could graduate and provide for my daughter and family
Hopeful at 26 when I married Kevin, that our marriage and family would be strong and happy
Hopeful at 28 when I discovered my husbands infidelity, gambling and drinking/drug problems, that he could turn things around so that we could keep our family intact
Hopeful at 30 when I decided that I would end my marriage, in order to regain my life and happiness back again
Hopeful at 31 when I was diagnosed with Lupus
Hopeful at 32 when I met Jon Beck, that he could see me for who I really was in spite of the damage of my past.
Hopeful at 34 when the reality of losing my daughter despite of my efforts to save our relationship
Hopeful when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, not only once, but twice. I am hopeful she will be cured again
Hopeful at 39 when I married again, Jon helped me become my authentic self and love myself again by loving me unconditionally

Today I am still hopeful that God's plan for my life will come to fruition. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, but one thing I never lost was Hope. The Grace that God has shown me in my life, reveals to me that no matter what, he was there, while making the mistakes, in my trials some good has prevailed. I do not deserve His grace, but because HE loves me, I am still here with hope in my heart that things will one day be as they should.

Some people in our lives can steal our hope if you let them. I wont let them.

Years gone by...literally.

wow, my last post was July 2012
Unbelievable to think about what has happened since then and how FAST it has gone by.

Life seems to be flying by, I try each day to stop, feel, mourn, smile, pray and try not to let life pass by with out giving God "Thanks" for what blessings I do have.
It's been so hard to do those things, when one thing, one BIG part of me is missing. I cannot let myself feel that pain everyday, it's too hard.

I've gotten engaged (10/2013)
I've planned a wedding and got married (08/2014)
I've watched my son grow and mature before my eyes,I've marveled at him watching him play sports and get good grades in Middle School, I beam with pride
I've gotten two calls from my you, Alyssa, the only two calls in 5 years (Sept 2013 and October 2013) each more heartbreaking than I could ever imagine

Where do I go from here? How do I continue to move forward? Same way I have been doing it the last 5 years, one day at a time, hour by hour.