Hi Baby
Im just sitting in the kitchen working and sipping coffee and as usual you cross my mind. I hope you are well, I am listening to some music and just imagine you here with me. I cannot wait for that day! You and I have so much to catch up on. Im sending you my love, through prayer, everyday and through this blog I communicate with you and counting my blessing, by God's grace I am getting through each day, becoming a better person, a better mom to Trenton, and overall living my life to the fullest each day. I know that in His plan we will become a part of each other's lives again really soon. I really believe that during this time in our lives, we are meant to learn something about one another and more importantly about our selves. As much as it hurts, I have hope. Have a blessed day.
I love you my love
xoxo
Mom
About Me
- Renée Beck
- United States
- “Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood” - J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh, authors of “Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It” -http://www.divorcesource.com. ---I am a mom who has survived Parental Alienation, It lasted 10 years. During those years of hopelessness, I started this blog to talk and share my feelings with my daughter. This was the only way for me to be heard, I shared my struggle and feelings. It helped me to heal, slowly. But more than that; it's become a platform for me, as I learn more about this epidemic, to inspire someone who might also be dealing with it. I hope my testimony and experience will help others survive when they feel like giving up. Don't give up, keep fighting and give it to God. It is the only thing that keeps me moving forward each day.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
comment on my blog!
I just discovered a comment on my graduation day post. There are others out there going through this with their children as well, I didn't really have an intention when starting this blog, but if it can be of help to anyone or a sounding board for other parents going through the same thing with their children, then it is here for the better of someone, not just me. I offered to pray for her and keep praying for our relationship to one day be stronger than ever Alyssa
I love you
xoxox
Mom
I love you
xoxox
Mom
Friday, September 16, 2011
crying out to God
This is my cry, please don't let them take her away from me legally
I give this to you Lord, please intervene. My heart cannot take this, it makes it feel so final. Please give me peace in my heart that she will return, that this is happening for a reason, that this is your works and things will happen in your time.
Please send me some peace, I have such a lump in my throat just thinking about it, it brings up all the feelings that I have tried to work though over the last 2 almost 3 years. Lord, I give this to you, please make things right and in your time, help me to feel ok with this, I ask of you dear Jesus, I am crying out to you.
In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
I give this to you Lord, please intervene. My heart cannot take this, it makes it feel so final. Please give me peace in my heart that she will return, that this is happening for a reason, that this is your works and things will happen in your time.
Please send me some peace, I have such a lump in my throat just thinking about it, it brings up all the feelings that I have tried to work though over the last 2 almost 3 years. Lord, I give this to you, please make things right and in your time, help me to feel ok with this, I ask of you dear Jesus, I am crying out to you.
In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Picture Perfect
Hi Alyssa
"please bring me along, I want to see everything you have to offer me, and I want to show everything I have to offer you now" Nelly Furtado.... Those are some lyrics of a song I am listening to now. It's a song I used to listen to a long time ago when I was married to Daddy. These lyrics I related to because I was in love with him, I loved him and I loved our family. I wanted him to bring me with him on his journey, somewhere along the way we broke down in all areas of our relationship and eventually our marriage. I was so young and I made so many mistakes, I am sorry for, but now that I am here on the other side of that part of my life, I feel like I have learned and will continue to learn something from that era in my life (1995-2007) 12 years, we had it all and we let it slip away. I know you wont really understand relationships until you are in one. I lived, and learned, the hard way. I cannot change the past but I can learn from it. I love and miss you, I am here for you whenever you are ready I hope one day you can forgive me.
Mom
"please bring me along, I want to see everything you have to offer me, and I want to show everything I have to offer you now" Nelly Furtado.... Those are some lyrics of a song I am listening to now. It's a song I used to listen to a long time ago when I was married to Daddy. These lyrics I related to because I was in love with him, I loved him and I loved our family. I wanted him to bring me with him on his journey, somewhere along the way we broke down in all areas of our relationship and eventually our marriage. I was so young and I made so many mistakes, I am sorry for, but now that I am here on the other side of that part of my life, I feel like I have learned and will continue to learn something from that era in my life (1995-2007) 12 years, we had it all and we let it slip away. I know you wont really understand relationships until you are in one. I lived, and learned, the hard way. I cannot change the past but I can learn from it. I love and miss you, I am here for you whenever you are ready I hope one day you can forgive me.
Mom
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Summer DAZE
Summer is my favorite season of the year. Another one has come and is nearly over, due to the fact that school is starting in a few months.
I miss spending time with you Alyssa, I know you have had a great summer. I saw a few glimpses of you from the PALI DVD's Trent brought home. You are beautiful! I miss you so much. I hope you know how proud I am of you, you are becoming such a beautiful young woman, I hope one day I get to know you, I hope its soon, I pray that it's very soon. I've gone through the last few years and look back and wonder how I have gotten through it. It's as though I've just been in a Daze. The only explanation I have, as to how I have gotten through it, is through the Grace and mercy of Jesus. His promise that our hard times in this life time are not permanent, and they are for a reason. I often wonder what that reason is, I question him, I question me. We all blame ourselves for this situation. I realize that this is happening and its real but I cannot believe for a minute, that this is permanent.
Have a wonderful summer Alyssa, I hope to hear from you soon, real soon!
xoxoxo
Your MOM
I miss spending time with you Alyssa, I know you have had a great summer. I saw a few glimpses of you from the PALI DVD's Trent brought home. You are beautiful! I miss you so much. I hope you know how proud I am of you, you are becoming such a beautiful young woman, I hope one day I get to know you, I hope its soon, I pray that it's very soon. I've gone through the last few years and look back and wonder how I have gotten through it. It's as though I've just been in a Daze. The only explanation I have, as to how I have gotten through it, is through the Grace and mercy of Jesus. His promise that our hard times in this life time are not permanent, and they are for a reason. I often wonder what that reason is, I question him, I question me. We all blame ourselves for this situation. I realize that this is happening and its real but I cannot believe for a minute, that this is permanent.
Have a wonderful summer Alyssa, I hope to hear from you soon, real soon!
xoxoxo
Your MOM
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I miss you
Alyssa
Today is the Sunday before 4th of July and I'm cleaning windows
I step into your room to get those window's cleaned
I often wonder how you would like the room, it has a great view of our pool
it has your surfer girl poster and its a beach themed room
I love it in there. I go in there daily to get dressed, as I use that closet for my clothes.
I think about how things would be if you were living in that room
I miss you so much
I just wanted to get these thoughts down right now. I think of you everyday, please don't think that a day goes by where I dont think of you in one way or another.
I don't blog everyday because it makes me sad, but I do it when I want to feel close to you and let you know how I am feeling. Not to say that is not everyday but other days it more than I can bear so I resort to the Diary.
I love you so much and I miss you so much it hurts my heart to let these feelings come to surface
I hope you come home soon, I cannot wait until that day
I dream of it often. I pray for it always and I am looking forward to the day when I can hug you again and tell you I am sorry and that no matter what's happened I never have and never will stop loving you.
I hope you are having fun at Pali and that your summer is wonderful.
Until my next blog.
xoxoxoxoxox
Your Mom
Today is the Sunday before 4th of July and I'm cleaning windows
I step into your room to get those window's cleaned
I often wonder how you would like the room, it has a great view of our pool
it has your surfer girl poster and its a beach themed room
I love it in there. I go in there daily to get dressed, as I use that closet for my clothes.
I think about how things would be if you were living in that room
I miss you so much
I just wanted to get these thoughts down right now. I think of you everyday, please don't think that a day goes by where I dont think of you in one way or another.
I don't blog everyday because it makes me sad, but I do it when I want to feel close to you and let you know how I am feeling. Not to say that is not everyday but other days it more than I can bear so I resort to the Diary.
I love you so much and I miss you so much it hurts my heart to let these feelings come to surface
I hope you come home soon, I cannot wait until that day
I dream of it often. I pray for it always and I am looking forward to the day when I can hug you again and tell you I am sorry and that no matter what's happened I never have and never will stop loving you.
I hope you are having fun at Pali and that your summer is wonderful.
Until my next blog.
xoxoxoxoxox
Your Mom
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I make mistakes....
To My Alyssa... I make mistakes, sometimes more than I would like to admit; it's part of being a Mom. But I will always be there for you, to hear you, to cheer you, to laugh or cry with you, to protect you with my life, and to love you for eternity with all my heart! No one on earth will ever love you more than I do, I'm your Mom!...
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Julie Project
www.darcypadilla.com
Today I read about Julie Baird, she was a homeless girl, who ran away from home at 14.
She was an abused child, and lived on the Streets of SF when Darcy (the photographer) met her.
She was, poor, homeless and had one child at the beginning of this project. The story spans over 17 years of Julies life. She died of HIV/Aids when she was 36.
Over 17 years she had 5 children, all but 1 were taken from her because of her drug addiction.
This story was so sad. The best part of the story, was when she was reunited with one of her children, he called her mom and told her he loved her and he didn't want to leave her but he understood why.
The struggles of this women were beyond any struggle that I have been through or am going through. Gives me a new view of how lucky I am. The struggles I have I will take them on with grace and dignity look them straight on and conquer any fear that I have.
Today I read about Julie Baird, she was a homeless girl, who ran away from home at 14.
She was an abused child, and lived on the Streets of SF when Darcy (the photographer) met her.
She was, poor, homeless and had one child at the beginning of this project. The story spans over 17 years of Julies life. She died of HIV/Aids when she was 36.
Over 17 years she had 5 children, all but 1 were taken from her because of her drug addiction.
This story was so sad. The best part of the story, was when she was reunited with one of her children, he called her mom and told her he loved her and he didn't want to leave her but he understood why.
The struggles of this women were beyond any struggle that I have been through or am going through. Gives me a new view of how lucky I am. The struggles I have I will take them on with grace and dignity look them straight on and conquer any fear that I have.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A lack of respect
I thought I taught you how to respect adults, especially when those adults are your parents.
I guess the 12 years I had the honor of raising you was all for nothing. The parents you have now, let you think it's ok to be so rude and disrespectful to your own mother? I hope one day you will be appalled at your words and behavior. I am so sad right now at the lack of love or emotion your email to me had. I guess I need to stop setting myself up for this.
I guess the 12 years I had the honor of raising you was all for nothing. The parents you have now, let you think it's ok to be so rude and disrespectful to your own mother? I hope one day you will be appalled at your words and behavior. I am so sad right now at the lack of love or emotion your email to me had. I guess I need to stop setting myself up for this.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
2011
2010 was so hard without you and now we are starting another year. Another year missed. I sometimes think that I don't know how I am going to get through each day let alone another year with out any contact from you or with you.
So I try to remain hopeful in that it won't be another year, rather just take it day by day. I want you to know that not a day goes by without a thought of you. It could be another teenage girl walking in the neighborhood with her friends, or a teenage girl with her mom by the pool, or looking at Allie's formal dance photos on Facebok, those things are so bittersweet to me, I long to see you. I ask God to bring you to me in my dreams, and he does. Not all the time but when he does, I wake up sad, but also happy, because it reminds me that what I am dreaming about is you and that I am still positive you will come back and we will have a relationship. This blog started out for me to write down my thoughts about you it then turned into a blog to you, letters to you. I know the posts are far and few between, but that doesn't mean you were not thought about. It takes a lot of strength for me to open this page and pour out my feelings to you. It hurts.I try not to go back and read the other entries it only makes my longing for you that much worse. This morning I went into your room I can't wait till you come to see it, It's your room and I love it. I love you Alyssa Marie. I can't wait to see you again.
Mom
So I try to remain hopeful in that it won't be another year, rather just take it day by day. I want you to know that not a day goes by without a thought of you. It could be another teenage girl walking in the neighborhood with her friends, or a teenage girl with her mom by the pool, or looking at Allie's formal dance photos on Facebok, those things are so bittersweet to me, I long to see you. I ask God to bring you to me in my dreams, and he does. Not all the time but when he does, I wake up sad, but also happy, because it reminds me that what I am dreaming about is you and that I am still positive you will come back and we will have a relationship. This blog started out for me to write down my thoughts about you it then turned into a blog to you, letters to you. I know the posts are far and few between, but that doesn't mean you were not thought about. It takes a lot of strength for me to open this page and pour out my feelings to you. It hurts.I try not to go back and read the other entries it only makes my longing for you that much worse. This morning I went into your room I can't wait till you come to see it, It's your room and I love it. I love you Alyssa Marie. I can't wait to see you again.
Mom
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