Moses 7:63

...and they shall see us; and we will fall upon their necks, and they shall fall upon our necks, and we will kiss each other.

I think abut our reunion so much. I saw you yesterday, I waved and you just ignored me.
It hurts so bad.
When we reunite, I promise that all of the reasons I hurt right now, wont matter, nothing will matter except us in that moment, reunited. I forgive you, I hope you will forgive me.

I love you and miss you so much
xoxoxo
Mom

hot burning tears

I cannot suppress my hurt anymore, I try each day to keep things in check...but some days it bubbles over and brings hot burning tears to my eyes. I miss you so much it hurts my heart, I will see a picture or think of what we are missing out on together, I think about all your friends who miss you so much, we can't even bear to talk about it, but it's the unspoken thoughts and words that sit in the air, between us all that just really makes things uncomfortable.

The lump in my throat, throbs...wanting to be released, but I am at work, with Trenton, with people and cannot let go and just cry it out. I do when I am alone, but I try not to be alone with my thoughts. It hurts too much.

I miss you so much I ache.
I love you
I hope you are well
xoxox
Mom

Family Reunion

We had a family reunion yesterday, only you were missing.
I am not sure what's worse...nobody talking about it or people asking about you.
I cannot pretend your not missing or pretend I don't care, they see the pain in my heart and the tears start to well up in my eyes when I talk about you, even now as I write they just flow.

My dream was about you last night. I was talking to some older women, we were in my Nana's house ( Papa's mom) and you happened to be listening in... You then confronted me and asked me if these were the women that I was talking to about you, I said yes they are, they were older women, probably to signify how wise they were. I do not remember what they were saying to me, but you seemed happy that it was them I was talking to and then looked at me and told me you wanted to come back home. I cannot describe the emotion I felt, it almost blew me over. As I think about it right now, my whole body gets warm. I have never been more ecstatic. I wanted to tell nana right away but I was, for some reason, trying to hide the way I felt, trying to keep it cool, but all I could think about was Nana and Papa and how very happy they would be. I could not run to a phone or find a way to tell them without startling you, I was so worried you would change your mind.

That is all I can remember now, it gets foggy after that and some other random dreams started.

I miss you so much Alyssa
I hope you are safe and happy

I love you

Mom

drowning in my pain.....

It's a new week and the kids are still half way around the world
I have spoken to Trenton, and received pictures of them from Kevin.
There is still a lot of time left with them gone.
I miss them so much I can't bear to think about it, let alone talk about it, so I must blog. Which is the same as talking about it, but it's with myself, not with anyone else.
That is comforting to me.

I am glad I have kept busy, but things have slowed a bit for now.
I'm in my own head right now, just thinking about what will happen next.
I am constantly worried about how my actions, as silly as they may seem to me or as harmless as I feel they might be, will be the demise of me and my relationship with J.
I cannot blame anyone but myself. What am I doing? I can hardly describe to anyone what I am feeling, all I know is that it is some form of me drowning in my pain. It's the only way I know how to deal with this. I am at a loss for what to do how to cope, how to move forward.


I have a friend who lost her son, he was Trenton's age, he just had a birthday and the anniversary of the loss of his life. My heart breaks for her. I could not imagine losing my son. I think it's because I have lost my daughter, but she is still living. Living 3 miles from me, but I don't see her, hear from her or talk to her. I am not sure what scenario is worse.

My heart breaks for my friend, because I feel her pain, we had our two kids together, they are the same ages. I cannot bear to think about how she has drowned in her pain, and the road that her pain has lead her on, is one of horror. Her marriage is over, her youngest son is gone, she is alone and has legal, drug and a list of other problems to deal with, along with drowning in her pain.

I feel for her because, I feel the same way sometimes. One thing that is different for me and has always been a main difference in us as women, is that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am a genuinely positive person, I have faith and hope....she does not.

I suppose all of those "qualities" I posses, keep me from fully submerging myself under my pain...but I still feel like I am drowning. I reach out to her but cannot find the words to comfort her, because I am too in pain.

Graduation Day....

You told me to be there at 5, I was there (you were not)
I waited for you to arrive, you gave me 3 minutes
You told me no flowers/cards/gifts, I brought nothing-
I see you after graduation with a bouquet of flowers in your arms. I died.
You said no crying, I showed a brave face- but cried alone when you could not see me.
You asked me not to hold you up- I didn't
Heartbroken I sat and watched you, my girl, graduate 8th grade, Nana and Papa were missing and hurting. I died some more
When we said goodbye,I did not know when I would see or talk to you again. I walked away with a few pictures of your special day and a few moments to remember this special day.
I love you