Letter from my daughter. Where do I go from here?

Alyssa
Sat, Feb 23, 9:30 PM (4 days ago)


Hi..

I wanted to send you this email to get the truth out there and explain everything that has happened and why. I'm not sure exactly where to start but I am going to try to make this as clear and concise as possible.

As you know and everyone else I'm related too.. I am liar. From lying about stupid 6th grade science projects getting stolen from my locker to lying about relationships, I've done it all. It could be about nothing that matters to anyone, or it could be something that is really serious and effect everyone's lives.

I am not going to go in to how you treated me as a kid and how I felt... Ive written you letters, you have met with my counselors (or maybe), and we have had conversations on the phone. I was hurt by you, which led me to go through many years feeling confused and abondoned. This email's purpose isn't to talk about what you did to me, but to clear up any lies I have told to you in the past about my life, my current life, and my family.

First: Not once did Dad or Stephynie, or any counselor I ever had discourage me to not have a relationship with you. Multiple times I was given love and support and advice about how to go about reconnecting with you. But I chose not too, because I didn't want that. I didn't want what we had and I was hurt how you handled our "reconnection" therapy when I was in 8th grade. I chose to block you on social media. I chose to change my number and block everyone. I chose that. No one else.

Second: You first reached out to me in January of last year. I decided to give you a chance to hear what you had to say. We talked but it wasn't really more than a surface conversation. I can't really remember why I responded. I was used to getting random messages here and there and being able to blow you off. But I was deep into this whole lie of a second life that I created at Davis.

I moved to Davis, senior year and for the first time life was somewhat on track. I had two jobs, I had an apartment and my classes were good. But then a couple months in I started to fall into the college scene that I did not belong in. I drank a lot, I met Jess, I continued to lie to Dad and Steph about who I was with what I was doing . I would go home on the weekends not being an active family member and putting them through hell. The person I created to get attention and have fake friends quickly arose. I chose to lie about my family. That my dad still had cancer, that my step mom was crazy and I wasn't able to go home. People thought I didn't have a family and it was a lie to cover the lie that I was the awful one to my family, You don't want to tell your "friends" you can't go home because youre a liar. Because you are a bad role model to your younger brother. So I lied to cover it up. I distracted myself with boys and relationships that I thought was love. When I had the love in front of me the entire time. I joined an organization where people are going through hard shit in life and I created fake stuff to fit in better with them. you would think someone who has been lied to and have lied their entire life would figure out that they are an awful liar and it just always spins out of control. Yet I didn't and it escalated to the point of telling people my dad died, or friends got in accidents to either get out of something or to just try to end it. I had to start cutting people out, or was cut out because I wasn't a good friend and I wasn't me. Instead of fixing my problems from my first life, I created a second life to cover up what i fucked up in the first one.

I reached out to you in the first place because I ultimately wanted to get back at you. I don't like using the word hate, but I hated you for how you belittled me. How you told me I couldn't feel what I felt. How Stephynie and dad brainwashed me. So ya I was mad. I wanted to do what you did to me. Give you a hope in a relationship and then vanish...I wanted a mom. I wanted a life to explain to people that wasn't so hard to explain. I wanted to introduce people to my mom and my step mom. But I couldn't. Stephynie was my mom. She was there for me when I was sick, when I was brokem hearted, when I was depressed, when i was abondoned, and even when I lied, she was still on my side. She adopted me when I was 18. Because I felt closer to her, and even though our relationship is broken right now and Ive hurt her, she is still the closest person I probably have in my life. She went throught things I went through.. and always gave me the benefit of the doubt, even when no one believed me.

When I started this whole process with you I thought it wouldn't take much. Give you a couple calls here and there, use you if I needed help financially and call it a day. But what ive realized is that really all we are capable of with each other. We were out of each others life for so long that we don't know each other. I cant get emotionally deep with you, and vise versa. I had a hard time recognizing your voice at first because we never talked. I lied to you about steph, about dad and them being part of the reason why I struggled so much over summer. When they wanted me back, they wanted to help and I pushed everyone away. I used you to stay afloat for a little bit more. But I have officially sunken..

That was all over the place but to sum it all up I have lied to every single person that has come into my life in the past 2 years, more so this past year. I lied for attention, I lied to get a boyfriend, I lied to get friends, I lied to make up excuses to my friends why i was cutting them out. I lied to people about my relationship with my family members, the job I didn't have, the money I don't have. I lied why I didn't go home for the holidays. Lied about my mental health. And my lies ultimately created the fucked up psychosis and depression I have today. Because nothing is true and authentic in my life. I am disconnected everyday and walk through motions of this life I created.

So here I am putting it all out on the table. It may not have made sense but Im a liar. I used you when I didn't have too.. So I am sorry. Im sorry for what I did to you, but more to everyone else. I have a loving and supporting family and I used them too. I can't do this to myself anymore. Im sorry to you all for not being that proud daughter parents can talk about. Im sorry for tearing both families apart, and causing distress among everyone.I'm asking for help and for the first time somewhat proud of myself for finding a doctor who wants to help me. Because Im not sure where Alyssa went either. or why i chose this life. Because I deserve alot more, and you guys do too.