drowning in my pain.....

It's a new week and the kids are still half way around the world
I have spoken to Trenton, and received pictures of them from Kevin.
There is still a lot of time left with them gone.
I miss them so much I can't bear to think about it, let alone talk about it, so I must blog. Which is the same as talking about it, but it's with myself, not with anyone else.
That is comforting to me.

I am glad I have kept busy, but things have slowed a bit for now.
I'm in my own head right now, just thinking about what will happen next.
I am constantly worried about how my actions, as silly as they may seem to me or as harmless as I feel they might be, will be the demise of me and my relationship with J.
I cannot blame anyone but myself. What am I doing? I can hardly describe to anyone what I am feeling, all I know is that it is some form of me drowning in my pain. It's the only way I know how to deal with this. I am at a loss for what to do how to cope, how to move forward.


I have a friend who lost her son, he was Trenton's age, he just had a birthday and the anniversary of the loss of his life. My heart breaks for her. I could not imagine losing my son. I think it's because I have lost my daughter, but she is still living. Living 3 miles from me, but I don't see her, hear from her or talk to her. I am not sure what scenario is worse.

My heart breaks for my friend, because I feel her pain, we had our two kids together, they are the same ages. I cannot bear to think about how she has drowned in her pain, and the road that her pain has lead her on, is one of horror. Her marriage is over, her youngest son is gone, she is alone and has legal, drug and a list of other problems to deal with, along with drowning in her pain.

I feel for her because, I feel the same way sometimes. One thing that is different for me and has always been a main difference in us as women, is that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am a genuinely positive person, I have faith and hope....she does not.

I suppose all of those "qualities" I posses, keep me from fully submerging myself under my pain...but I still feel like I am drowning. I reach out to her but cannot find the words to comfort her, because I am too in pain.

Graduation Day....

You told me to be there at 5, I was there (you were not)
I waited for you to arrive, you gave me 3 minutes
You told me no flowers/cards/gifts, I brought nothing-
I see you after graduation with a bouquet of flowers in your arms. I died.
You said no crying, I showed a brave face- but cried alone when you could not see me.
You asked me not to hold you up- I didn't
Heartbroken I sat and watched you, my girl, graduate 8th grade, Nana and Papa were missing and hurting. I died some more
When we said goodbye,I did not know when I would see or talk to you again. I walked away with a few pictures of your special day and a few moments to remember this special day.
I love you