I can only imagine

"I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk, by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When you face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine"

-Mercy Me


I love this song, the lyrics speak about what we will do when we come face to face with Jesus. Will we dance? will we fall to our knees? Will we sing? Will we stand in awe? All of the above seem appropriate.

It also brings me to wonder about what it will be like when I reunite with my daughter. Will I dance? Will I fall to my knees? Will I sing? Will I stand in awe? Probably, all of the above and then some...
I can only imagine what reuniting with my daughter will be like. The unknown and my thoughts of "what if it never happens" makes me so anxious; but then I remember 1 Peter 1:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." and it puts me at ease.

I know when I come face to face with Jesus, there is no anxiety, just joy.

Lord, Thank you for your mercies each day. I know the anxiety and struggles we face daily are not too much for us to handle. I look forward to meeting you face to face, I can only imagine, it will be a glorious day, and all our troubles will be gone. I also look forward to reuniting with Alyssa. Thank you for the time I have had with my daughter, I trust your plans for us to be face to face again one day. Amen.

Huge Void

I woke up this morning and saw my daughter's face posted on a few IG posts my mom put up. I can feel my mom's pain, I know she misses her so much, we all do. This loss we've suffered runs deep, I immediately have one thought, "Alyssa will be angry when she sees it", she doesn't like when we post about her... but at this point, I just wonder "why will she be mad?" We're just coping, trying to do the best we can, while living with a huge void in our lives. We wonder if she remembers us? Still loves us? Thinks about us?

I don't know the answers to any of those questions I have. I hope one day we have the opportunity to find out.
Until then we remember her, share pictures of her face, talk about her, tell funny stories about her, until we can't bear to anymore, because we end up crying or just hurting, so we give it a break until we can bear to bring it up again.

I constantly have to remember what God says in Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Hope is a theme in my life. More and more I lean on my hope and faith in God, it's the only way any of us can get through this.
I thank you God for your plans for my life. I trust that they are good.

Romans 15:5 "Now may the God of endurance and comfort give you unity with one another in accordance with Christ Jesus"


Being Positive is not always an easy task. There are a lot of distractions in this life. Most of our distractions are from those we live this life with. People. The people in our lives can do an unlimited amount of things that can take us off course. I've often let what people said about me or acted affect me in a way that I was not always happy with.

In reality, we've got to focus on our attitude, when it comes to other people, we really have no control over their actions or attitude. If we're focused on treating others with respect and courtesy no matter what they say or do, it becomes easier to stay positive.




Have a blessed weekend!

Thank you She Speaks 2017

Today is the last day of She Speaks. I woke up tired, took me an hour to crawl out of bed after my alarm went off. Needless to say, I was in a rush to make it on-time for an 8:30 am start time.

“Lord, help me to get my butt in that seat on time” I said out loud.

I packed up, threw on a dress and some make up, looked at my hair and said, "welp...this is as good as it gets for today!"

I arrived @ 8:33am, worship had already started and I found my way to Table 9, where Aimee, my new friend, had a seat saved for me.

This God thing is exhausting! Let me explain what I mean by that. What I really mean is, the conference has me worn down, but not in a bad way. My mind has been swirling from day one, with all of the information I’ve been given, my brain is just trying to sort it out. The God thing, is the very best thing about this conference… BUT I am exhausted.

Today I have identified what the absolute reason was for being here, and it is not what I thought it was prior to getting here.

It’s not because I have a unique story to tell.
It’s not because some publisher is going to hear my story and say, “We want to hear more, here is a book deal!"
It’s not to grow my platform.
It’s not to gain followers on my blog.

Although; some of those things may very well happen, it’s not the over all result of my attendance @ SheSpeaks 2017.

Because I attended She Speaks 2017:

I am humbled.
I am changed.
I have let go.
I have forgiven.
I have been freed from what was holding me hostage. My anger.
My anger is gone, my sadness is still here, but now I look at it from a different perspective, I look at if from a God perspective and it gives me a joy and a freedom on a level I have never experienced. On a level that makes my heart beam with so much pride.

I am a daughter of God and I have never been so proud to be SO LOVED.

Thank you She Speaks 2017, Thank you to all of the exquisite women I have met in the last 3 days. Thank you for sharing your lives and stories with me. Thank you for praying for me, thank you for taking this step with me, I hope the result of you being here makes you feel exactly how I do. LOVED.

Your sister in Christ,

Renee

I speak

I did it. I signed up for the She Speaks conference



As I sit here listening to the prep calls, I am so relieved to hear that all the feelings I've been having, about being good enough, being prepared, being clear in my calling, are all normal. It's not about me, it's about God. What a concept!

Since signing up for the conference, 1000 emotions have flooded me. But when you put things into the GOD perspective and not the "me" perspective,things start to look different.

I am preparing and investing in my ministry, my calling. It feels weird to say that. But it is the truth. I have been called to do this. Write, share, & heal with others. Not alone.

Proverbs 31 ministries have been an integral part of my growth with God. I have a long way to go, I am broken, flawed and imperfect. But I know HE has my back in spite of all that.

I tell my husband "I have your back" and without a doubt, I do, no matter what. He may not always deserve it, but I still do. So why is it I have a hard time believing that I am worthy of that same support and love from God? I can never figure it out. But I am glad that, deep down, I know it, even when I don't feel deserving.

I can't wait to get there and come back with a praise report!

#ErasedMom

Its 2017, how is that even possible?

I am still in disbelief that it has been 9 years that I have been living in this nightmare.

May 2017, my first born will be 21. To date, there has been little, if no communication. By little I mean I try to get in a "hi" or send a text and email on special occasions, when I can muster up the nerve and I actually see her in person. But it's really like no communication. I never get a response and I never expect one but... I do hold out hope.

I saw her a week ago at my son's lacrosse game, she came to the game with her dad. I ended up leaving early, I was with Jon and we were just very emotional already, but being there and being completely dismissed was just too hard for us to handle that night. It's not a new thing, but each time it happens, the reality of it all drops on us like a ton of bricks. We blame ourselves and ask each other "was there anything we could have done differently?" the answer is YES, of course there are a million things that run through our mind. But the truth is we did the best we could.

I recently stumbled upon a movement called erasing family. It's a documentary that exposes this exact situation. Family Bond Obstruction. There is a name other than parental alienation for this issue. It's happening in thousands of families. They are hoping to help eliminate this epidemic created by the family court system.
If you'd like to learn more please visit and donate @ erasingfamily.org

When I saw her face....

New post,two and a half years have gone by, 2016 is upon us....life is whizzing by and there have been may changes in our lives in 2015.

Just the other day...I was reminded that I started a blog.... a blog? OH..YES... a blog.
This blog is a painful reminder of my reality. I dread looking at it or writing about the topic that prompted me to start writing. I just read back on my last handful of posts. Everything I wrote is still true... as years have gone by, it's not gotten easier, I have not forgotten, I have not healed and she has not come back.

I recently saw her, in person. It was Sat November 28, 2015. It was brief, it caused a million emotions to stir up. It affected my entire weekend.
I waved and said "Hi" to her, she politely smiled. That was it. My parents were with me, Jon was with me,it was a shock to us all, because we were not expecting to see her.

I worried the most about my parents. If this has been hard for me...I know it's been a million times harder for them. As they age, and before it's too late... my hope for a reconciliation gets stronger, my faith somehow grows. I take no credit for any of that...my human reaction is to crumble, to die, to cry, to rage....but I know none of that will do me any good. Having faith and hope is how I get through each day of my life.

The pure happiness I felt, was incredible to feel, when I saw her face and her smile... I just about died inside. She is just beautiful, she is a grown woman (she will be 20 in May 2016) I wish I knew her.

Alyssa,
I miss you. I want you back. I love you.

Love forever,
Mom

May Day

May is a hard month for me. So far it's been brutal.
May is the month both of my kids celebrate their Birthday's, this year in particular has been rough.

Alyssa turned 18 on 5/20 and on 5/25 my baby boy will be 13! YIKES.

This year, I sent a text to my daughter for her birthday but got nothing in response. I didn't expect to, but I had hope.

HOPE- A word that means so many things to me. I feel as if I have always been hopeful in all situations I've been through in my life.

Hopeful at 22 when I got pregnant, that Kevin and I would work our relationship out to be there for our daughter
Hopeful at 23 when I continued to go to college part time so that I could graduate and provide for my daughter and family
Hopeful at 26 when I married Kevin, that our marriage and family would be strong and happy
Hopeful at 28 when I discovered my husbands infidelity, gambling and drinking/drug problems, that he could turn things around so that we could keep our family intact
Hopeful at 30 when I decided that I would end my marriage, in order to regain my life and happiness back again
Hopeful at 31 when I was diagnosed with Lupus
Hopeful at 32 when I met Jon Beck, that he could see me for who I really was in spite of the damage of my past.
Hopeful at 34 when the reality of losing my daughter despite of my efforts to save our relationship
Hopeful when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, not only once, but twice. I am hopeful she will be cured again
Hopeful at 39 when I married again, Jon helped me become my authentic self and love myself again by loving me unconditionally

Today I am still hopeful that God's plan for my life will come to fruition. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, but one thing I never lost was Hope. The Grace that God has shown me in my life, reveals to me that no matter what, he was there, while making the mistakes, in my trials some good has prevailed. I do not deserve His grace, but because HE loves me, I am still here with hope in my heart that things will one day be as they should.

Some people in our lives can steal our hope if you let them. I wont let them.

Years gone by...literally.

wow, my last post was July 2012
Unbelievable to think about what has happened since then and how FAST it has gone by.

Life seems to be flying by, I try each day to stop, feel, mourn, smile, pray and try not to let life pass by with out giving God "Thanks" for what blessings I do have.
It's been so hard to do those things, when one thing, one BIG part of me is missing. I cannot let myself feel that pain everyday, it's too hard.

I've gotten engaged (10/2013)
I've planned a wedding and got married (08/2014)
I've watched my son grow and mature before my eyes,I've marveled at him watching him play sports and get good grades in Middle School, I beam with pride
I've gotten two calls from my you, Alyssa, the only two calls in 5 years (Sept 2013 and October 2013) each more heartbreaking than I could ever imagine

Where do I go from here? How do I continue to move forward? Same way I have been doing it the last 5 years, one day at a time, hour by hour.

Heavy on my mind

Lyss-

You're on my mind so much today. You always are, but today especially. It's been a rough weekend. We

have been talking about you so much and we miss you dearly
I hope your summer is going well, I know you're at camp with your brother now and I hope you're having fun. I pray that we are in your heart, no matter what, you are in ours. Everyone misses you, its beyond these words I write here. My prayer for you today: Lord, please be with Alyssa and be in her heart and mind. We love her so much. Amen.

I love you baby,

xoxoxox
Mom

Sissy dreams

Hi Lyss I had so many dreams of you last night. I have a lot of dreams about you, but last nights dream stuck with me. I miss you and dream of the day we get to talk again. I realize the events that took place in me and dads marriage have a lasting effect on us all, mostly on you kids. I know there is nothing I can do now to change things, but I look forward to the day we can move forward together. I love you always xoxox Mom