www.darcypadilla.com
Today I read about Julie Baird, she was a homeless girl, who ran away from home at 14.
She was an abused child, and lived on the Streets of SF when Darcy (the photographer) met her.
She was, poor, homeless and had one child at the beginning of this project. The story spans over 17 years of Julies life. She died of HIV/Aids when she was 36.
Over 17 years she had 5 children, all but 1 were taken from her because of her drug addiction.
This story was so sad. The best part of the story, was when she was reunited with one of her children, he called her mom and told her he loved her and he didn't want to leave her but he understood why.
The struggles of this women were beyond any struggle that I have been through or am going through. Gives me a new view of how lucky I am. The struggles I have I will take them on with grace and dignity look them straight on and conquer any fear that I have.
About Me
- Renée Beck
- United States
- “Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood” - J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh, authors of “Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It” -http://www.divorcesource.com. ---I am a mom who has survived Parental Alienation, It lasted 10 years. During those years of hopelessness, I started this blog to talk and share my feelings with my daughter. This was the only way for me to be heard, I shared my struggle and feelings. It helped me to heal, slowly. But more than that; it's become a platform for me, as I learn more about this epidemic, to inspire someone who might also be dealing with it. I hope my testimony and experience will help others survive when they feel like giving up. Don't give up, keep fighting and give it to God. It is the only thing that keeps me moving forward each day.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A lack of respect
I thought I taught you how to respect adults, especially when those adults are your parents.
I guess the 12 years I had the honor of raising you was all for nothing. The parents you have now, let you think it's ok to be so rude and disrespectful to your own mother? I hope one day you will be appalled at your words and behavior. I am so sad right now at the lack of love or emotion your email to me had. I guess I need to stop setting myself up for this.
I guess the 12 years I had the honor of raising you was all for nothing. The parents you have now, let you think it's ok to be so rude and disrespectful to your own mother? I hope one day you will be appalled at your words and behavior. I am so sad right now at the lack of love or emotion your email to me had. I guess I need to stop setting myself up for this.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
2011
2010 was so hard without you and now we are starting another year. Another year missed. I sometimes think that I don't know how I am going to get through each day let alone another year with out any contact from you or with you.
So I try to remain hopeful in that it won't be another year, rather just take it day by day. I want you to know that not a day goes by without a thought of you. It could be another teenage girl walking in the neighborhood with her friends, or a teenage girl with her mom by the pool, or looking at Allie's formal dance photos on Facebok, those things are so bittersweet to me, I long to see you. I ask God to bring you to me in my dreams, and he does. Not all the time but when he does, I wake up sad, but also happy, because it reminds me that what I am dreaming about is you and that I am still positive you will come back and we will have a relationship. This blog started out for me to write down my thoughts about you it then turned into a blog to you, letters to you. I know the posts are far and few between, but that doesn't mean you were not thought about. It takes a lot of strength for me to open this page and pour out my feelings to you. It hurts.I try not to go back and read the other entries it only makes my longing for you that much worse. This morning I went into your room I can't wait till you come to see it, It's your room and I love it. I love you Alyssa Marie. I can't wait to see you again.
Mom
So I try to remain hopeful in that it won't be another year, rather just take it day by day. I want you to know that not a day goes by without a thought of you. It could be another teenage girl walking in the neighborhood with her friends, or a teenage girl with her mom by the pool, or looking at Allie's formal dance photos on Facebok, those things are so bittersweet to me, I long to see you. I ask God to bring you to me in my dreams, and he does. Not all the time but when he does, I wake up sad, but also happy, because it reminds me that what I am dreaming about is you and that I am still positive you will come back and we will have a relationship. This blog started out for me to write down my thoughts about you it then turned into a blog to you, letters to you. I know the posts are far and few between, but that doesn't mean you were not thought about. It takes a lot of strength for me to open this page and pour out my feelings to you. It hurts.I try not to go back and read the other entries it only makes my longing for you that much worse. This morning I went into your room I can't wait till you come to see it, It's your room and I love it. I love you Alyssa Marie. I can't wait to see you again.
Mom
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Moses 7:63
...and they shall see us; and we will fall upon their necks, and they shall fall upon our necks, and we will kiss each other.
I think abut our reunion so much. I saw you yesterday, I waved and you just ignored me.
It hurts so bad.
When we reunite, I promise that all of the reasons I hurt right now, wont matter, nothing will matter except us in that moment, reunited. I forgive you, I hope you will forgive me.
I love you and miss you so much
xoxoxo
Mom
I think abut our reunion so much. I saw you yesterday, I waved and you just ignored me.
It hurts so bad.
When we reunite, I promise that all of the reasons I hurt right now, wont matter, nothing will matter except us in that moment, reunited. I forgive you, I hope you will forgive me.
I love you and miss you so much
xoxoxo
Mom
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
hot burning tears
I cannot suppress my hurt anymore, I try each day to keep things in check...but some days it bubbles over and brings hot burning tears to my eyes. I miss you so much it hurts my heart, I will see a picture or think of what we are missing out on together, I think about all your friends who miss you so much, we can't even bear to talk about it, but it's the unspoken thoughts and words that sit in the air, between us all that just really makes things uncomfortable.
The lump in my throat, throbs...wanting to be released, but I am at work, with Trenton, with people and cannot let go and just cry it out. I do when I am alone, but I try not to be alone with my thoughts. It hurts too much.
I miss you so much I ache.
I love you
I hope you are well
xoxox
Mom
The lump in my throat, throbs...wanting to be released, but I am at work, with Trenton, with people and cannot let go and just cry it out. I do when I am alone, but I try not to be alone with my thoughts. It hurts too much.
I miss you so much I ache.
I love you
I hope you are well
xoxox
Mom
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Family Reunion
We had a family reunion yesterday, only you were missing.
I am not sure what's worse...nobody talking about it or people asking about you.
I cannot pretend your not missing or pretend I don't care, they see the pain in my heart and the tears start to well up in my eyes when I talk about you, even now as I write they just flow.
My dream was about you last night. I was talking to some older women, we were in my Nana's house ( Papa's mom) and you happened to be listening in... You then confronted me and asked me if these were the women that I was talking to about you, I said yes they are, they were older women, probably to signify how wise they were. I do not remember what they were saying to me, but you seemed happy that it was them I was talking to and then looked at me and told me you wanted to come back home. I cannot describe the emotion I felt, it almost blew me over. As I think about it right now, my whole body gets warm. I have never been more ecstatic. I wanted to tell nana right away but I was, for some reason, trying to hide the way I felt, trying to keep it cool, but all I could think about was Nana and Papa and how very happy they would be. I could not run to a phone or find a way to tell them without startling you, I was so worried you would change your mind.
That is all I can remember now, it gets foggy after that and some other random dreams started.
I miss you so much Alyssa
I hope you are safe and happy
I love you
Mom
I am not sure what's worse...nobody talking about it or people asking about you.
I cannot pretend your not missing or pretend I don't care, they see the pain in my heart and the tears start to well up in my eyes when I talk about you, even now as I write they just flow.
My dream was about you last night. I was talking to some older women, we were in my Nana's house ( Papa's mom) and you happened to be listening in... You then confronted me and asked me if these were the women that I was talking to about you, I said yes they are, they were older women, probably to signify how wise they were. I do not remember what they were saying to me, but you seemed happy that it was them I was talking to and then looked at me and told me you wanted to come back home. I cannot describe the emotion I felt, it almost blew me over. As I think about it right now, my whole body gets warm. I have never been more ecstatic. I wanted to tell nana right away but I was, for some reason, trying to hide the way I felt, trying to keep it cool, but all I could think about was Nana and Papa and how very happy they would be. I could not run to a phone or find a way to tell them without startling you, I was so worried you would change your mind.
That is all I can remember now, it gets foggy after that and some other random dreams started.
I miss you so much Alyssa
I hope you are safe and happy
I love you
Mom
Monday, June 28, 2010
drowning in my pain.....
It's a new week and the kids are still half way around the world
I have spoken to Trenton, and received pictures of them from Kevin.
There is still a lot of time left with them gone.
I miss them so much I can't bear to think about it, let alone talk about it, so I must blog. Which is the same as talking about it, but it's with myself, not with anyone else.
That is comforting to me.
I am glad I have kept busy, but things have slowed a bit for now.
I'm in my own head right now, just thinking about what will happen next.
I am constantly worried about how my actions, as silly as they may seem to me or as harmless as I feel they might be, will be the demise of me and my relationship with J.
I cannot blame anyone but myself. What am I doing? I can hardly describe to anyone what I am feeling, all I know is that it is some form of me drowning in my pain. It's the only way I know how to deal with this. I am at a loss for what to do how to cope, how to move forward.
I have a friend who lost her son, he was Trenton's age, he just had a birthday and the anniversary of the loss of his life. My heart breaks for her. I could not imagine losing my son. I think it's because I have lost my daughter, but she is still living. Living 3 miles from me, but I don't see her, hear from her or talk to her. I am not sure what scenario is worse.
My heart breaks for my friend, because I feel her pain, we had our two kids together, they are the same ages. I cannot bear to think about how she has drowned in her pain, and the road that her pain has lead her on, is one of horror. Her marriage is over, her youngest son is gone, she is alone and has legal, drug and a list of other problems to deal with, along with drowning in her pain.
I feel for her because, I feel the same way sometimes. One thing that is different for me and has always been a main difference in us as women, is that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am a genuinely positive person, I have faith and hope....she does not.
I suppose all of those "qualities" I posses, keep me from fully submerging myself under my pain...but I still feel like I am drowning. I reach out to her but cannot find the words to comfort her, because I am too in pain.
I have spoken to Trenton, and received pictures of them from Kevin.
There is still a lot of time left with them gone.
I miss them so much I can't bear to think about it, let alone talk about it, so I must blog. Which is the same as talking about it, but it's with myself, not with anyone else.
That is comforting to me.
I am glad I have kept busy, but things have slowed a bit for now.
I'm in my own head right now, just thinking about what will happen next.
I am constantly worried about how my actions, as silly as they may seem to me or as harmless as I feel they might be, will be the demise of me and my relationship with J.
I cannot blame anyone but myself. What am I doing? I can hardly describe to anyone what I am feeling, all I know is that it is some form of me drowning in my pain. It's the only way I know how to deal with this. I am at a loss for what to do how to cope, how to move forward.
I have a friend who lost her son, he was Trenton's age, he just had a birthday and the anniversary of the loss of his life. My heart breaks for her. I could not imagine losing my son. I think it's because I have lost my daughter, but she is still living. Living 3 miles from me, but I don't see her, hear from her or talk to her. I am not sure what scenario is worse.
My heart breaks for my friend, because I feel her pain, we had our two kids together, they are the same ages. I cannot bear to think about how she has drowned in her pain, and the road that her pain has lead her on, is one of horror. Her marriage is over, her youngest son is gone, she is alone and has legal, drug and a list of other problems to deal with, along with drowning in her pain.
I feel for her because, I feel the same way sometimes. One thing that is different for me and has always been a main difference in us as women, is that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am a genuinely positive person, I have faith and hope....she does not.
I suppose all of those "qualities" I posses, keep me from fully submerging myself under my pain...but I still feel like I am drowning. I reach out to her but cannot find the words to comfort her, because I am too in pain.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Graduation Day....
You told me to be there at 5, I was there (you were not)
I waited for you to arrive, you gave me 3 minutes
You told me no flowers/cards/gifts, I brought nothing-
I see you after graduation with a bouquet of flowers in your arms. I died.
You said no crying, I showed a brave face- but cried alone when you could not see me.
You asked me not to hold you up- I didn't
Heartbroken I sat and watched you, my girl, graduate 8th grade, Nana and Papa were missing and hurting. I died some more
When we said goodbye,I did not know when I would see or talk to you again. I walked away with a few pictures of your special day and a few moments to remember this special day.
I love you
I waited for you to arrive, you gave me 3 minutes
You told me no flowers/cards/gifts, I brought nothing-
I see you after graduation with a bouquet of flowers in your arms. I died.
You said no crying, I showed a brave face- but cried alone when you could not see me.
You asked me not to hold you up- I didn't
Heartbroken I sat and watched you, my girl, graduate 8th grade, Nana and Papa were missing and hurting. I died some more
When we said goodbye,I did not know when I would see or talk to you again. I walked away with a few pictures of your special day and a few moments to remember this special day.
I love you
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