May Day

May is a hard month for me. So far it's been brutal.
May is the month both of my kids celebrate their Birthday's, this year in particular has been rough.

Alyssa turned 18 on 5/20 and on 5/25 my baby boy will be 13! YIKES.

This year, I sent a text to my daughter for her birthday but got nothing in response. I didn't expect to, but I had hope.

HOPE- A word that means so many things to me. I feel as if I have always been hopeful in all situations I've been through in my life.

Hopeful at 22 when I got pregnant, that Kevin and I would work our relationship out to be there for our daughter
Hopeful at 23 when I continued to go to college part time so that I could graduate and provide for my daughter and family
Hopeful at 26 when I married Kevin, that our marriage and family would be strong and happy
Hopeful at 28 when I discovered my husbands infidelity, gambling and drinking/drug problems, that he could turn things around so that we could keep our family intact
Hopeful at 30 when I decided that I would end my marriage, in order to regain my life and happiness back again
Hopeful at 31 when I was diagnosed with Lupus
Hopeful at 32 when I met Jon Beck, that he could see me for who I really was in spite of the damage of my past.
Hopeful at 34 when the reality of losing my daughter despite of my efforts to save our relationship
Hopeful when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, not only once, but twice. I am hopeful she will be cured again
Hopeful at 39 when I married again, Jon helped me become my authentic self and love myself again by loving me unconditionally

Today I am still hopeful that God's plan for my life will come to fruition. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, but one thing I never lost was Hope. The Grace that God has shown me in my life, reveals to me that no matter what, he was there, while making the mistakes, in my trials some good has prevailed. I do not deserve His grace, but because HE loves me, I am still here with hope in my heart that things will one day be as they should.

Some people in our lives can steal our hope if you let them. I wont let them.

Years gone by...literally.

wow, my last post was July 2012
Unbelievable to think about what has happened since then and how FAST it has gone by.

Life seems to be flying by, I try each day to stop, feel, mourn, smile, pray and try not to let life pass by with out giving God "Thanks" for what blessings I do have.
It's been so hard to do those things, when one thing, one BIG part of me is missing. I cannot let myself feel that pain everyday, it's too hard.

I've gotten engaged (10/2013)
I've planned a wedding and got married (08/2014)
I've watched my son grow and mature before my eyes,I've marveled at him watching him play sports and get good grades in Middle School, I beam with pride
I've gotten two calls from my you, Alyssa, the only two calls in 5 years (Sept 2013 and October 2013) each more heartbreaking than I could ever imagine

Where do I go from here? How do I continue to move forward? Same way I have been doing it the last 5 years, one day at a time, hour by hour.

Heavy on my mind

Lyss-

You're on my mind so much today. You always are, but today especially. It's been a rough weekend. We

have been talking about you so much and we miss you dearly
I hope your summer is going well, I know you're at camp with your brother now and I hope you're having fun. I pray that we are in your heart, no matter what, you are in ours. Everyone misses you, its beyond these words I write here. My prayer for you today: Lord, please be with Alyssa and be in her heart and mind. We love her so much. Amen.

I love you baby,

xoxoxox
Mom

Sissy dreams

Hi Lyss I had so many dreams of you last night. I have a lot of dreams about you, but last nights dream stuck with me. I miss you and dream of the day we get to talk again. I realize the events that took place in me and dads marriage have a lasting effect on us all, mostly on you kids. I know there is nothing I can do now to change things, but I look forward to the day we can move forward together. I love you always xoxox Mom

I love you

Hi Sis,

I hope you got my texts on Christmas and New Years. I miss you a lot, I think of you always. I hope these small ways of reaching out to you show you that I love you very much.
Back in April 2009 you were going through so much, too much for a 12 year old girl to handle alone, I am only sorry that I didn't notice that way back then, I am very happy that Daddy was there for you when you needed him.
I am sorry that I was not aware of the many things that you were having to deal with. I was only focused on what I was dealing with. I am sorry.
I hope somehow I can reach you. I want you to know that I messed up and for that I can only say how truly sorry I am, to not have put you first. I was selfish. I am aware now of my role as mother. What it entails and what I am supposed to do, which is be there for you and Trent first and foremost. I am thankful for this time I have had to reflect and learn more about being a mother to growing children. I hope that one day you will forgive me and love me again. I love you so much and I am sorry for anything I have ever done to make you feel you were not 1st in my heart. I trust that one day you will forgive me, it's my hope for the future.

I love you.
Mom

HI Sissy

Hi Baby
Im just sitting in the kitchen working and sipping coffee and as usual you cross my mind. I hope you are well, I am listening to some music and just imagine you here with me. I cannot wait for that day! You and I have so much to catch up on. Im sending you my love, through prayer, everyday and through this blog I communicate with you and counting my blessing, by God's grace I am getting through each day, becoming a better person, a better mom to Trenton, and overall living my life to the fullest each day. I know that in His plan we will become a part of each other's lives again really soon. I really believe that during this time in our lives, we are meant to learn something about one another and more importantly about our selves. As much as it hurts, I have hope. Have a blessed day.
I love you my love
xoxo
Mom

comment on my blog!

I just discovered a comment on my graduation day post. There are others out there going through this with their children as well, I didn't really have an intention when starting this blog, but if it can be of help to anyone or a sounding board for other parents going through the same thing with their children, then it is here for the better of someone, not just me. I offered to pray for her and keep praying for our relationship to one day be stronger than ever Alyssa
I love you
xoxox
Mom

crying out to God

This is my cry, please don't let them take her away from me legally
I give this to you Lord, please intervene. My heart cannot take this, it makes it feel so final. Please give me peace in my heart that she will return, that this is happening for a reason, that this is your works and things will happen in your time.
Please send me some peace, I have such a lump in my throat just thinking about it, it brings up all the feelings that I have tried to work though over the last 2 almost 3 years. Lord, I give this to you, please make things right and in your time, help me to feel ok with this, I ask of you dear Jesus, I am crying out to you.
In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Picture Perfect

Hi Alyssa

"please bring me along, I want to see everything you have to offer me, and I want to show everything I have to offer you now" Nelly Furtado.... Those are some lyrics of a song I am listening to now. It's a song I used to listen to a long time ago when I was married to Daddy. These lyrics I related to because I was in love with him, I loved him and I loved our family. I wanted him to bring me with him on his journey, somewhere along the way we broke down in all areas of our relationship and eventually our marriage. I was so young and I made so many mistakes, I am sorry for, but now that I am here on the other side of that part of my life, I feel like I have learned and will continue to learn something from that era in my life (1995-2007) 12 years, we had it all and we let it slip away. I know you wont really understand relationships until you are in one. I lived, and learned, the hard way. I cannot change the past but I can learn from it. I love and miss you, I am here for you whenever you are ready I hope one day you can forgive me.

Mom

Summer DAZE

Summer is my favorite season of the year. Another one has come and is nearly over, due to the fact that school is starting in a few months.

I miss spending time with you Alyssa, I know you have had a great summer. I saw a few glimpses of you from the PALI DVD's Trent brought home. You are beautiful! I miss you so much. I hope you know how proud I am of you, you are becoming such a beautiful young woman, I hope one day I get to know you, I hope its soon, I pray that it's very soon. I've gone through the last few years and look back and wonder how I have gotten through it. It's as though I've just been in a Daze. The only explanation I have, as to how I have gotten through it, is through the Grace and mercy of Jesus. His promise that our hard times in this life time are not permanent, and they are for a reason. I often wonder what that reason is, I question him, I question me. We all blame ourselves for this situation. I realize that this is happening and its real but I cannot believe for a minute, that this is permanent.

Have a wonderful summer Alyssa, I hope to hear from you soon, real soon!
xoxoxo
Your MOM

I miss you

Alyssa

Today is the Sunday before 4th of July and I'm cleaning windows
I step into your room to get those window's cleaned
I often wonder how you would like the room, it has a great view of our pool
it has your surfer girl poster and its a beach themed room
I love it in there. I go in there daily to get dressed, as I use that closet for my clothes.
I think about how things would be if you were living in that room
I miss you so much
I just wanted to get these thoughts down right now. I think of you everyday, please don't think that a day goes by where I dont think of you in one way or another.
I don't blog everyday because it makes me sad, but I do it when I want to feel close to you and let you know how I am feeling. Not to say that is not everyday but other days it more than I can bear so I resort to the Diary.

I love you so much and I miss you so much it hurts my heart to let these feelings come to surface
I hope you come home soon, I cannot wait until that day
I dream of it often. I pray for it always and I am looking forward to the day when I can hug you again and tell you I am sorry and that no matter what's happened I never have and never will stop loving you.

I hope you are having fun at Pali and that your summer is wonderful.
Until my next blog.

xoxoxoxoxox
Your Mom